Why friendships might be easier than you think
I was having a conversation about how people make friends during childhood when someone shared their strategy:
“I just made friends with people who were easy to be around.”
Her phrase stuck with me for days. It seemed so simple and obvious: Be friends with people who welcome you. Do not waste your time trying to chase people who exclude you. And her strategy worked- to this day, she enjoys deep, long-term friendships.
But if it seems so obvious, why are so many of us so lonely?
Why are we afraid to celebrate our big milestones because we’ve chosen a friend group that does not show up for us?
Why do we keep saying “yes” to invitations when we know we’ll feel worse afterwards?
I won’t attempt to answer these questions in this blog. Instead, if you are someone who doesn’t thinking they’re “good at friendship,” I’m going to challenge you to broaden your perspective.
Right now, there’s a small handful of people in your life who are easy to be around. Whenever they see you, they greet you no matter who else is watching. They text you to check in. They communicate that they enjoy your presence by making eye contact, listening and asking questions, and displaying kindness. They are on time to events, they RSVP, and they communicate if their plans change last minute. They invite you to group and individual activities.
But here’s the catch:
You don’t notice them. Maybe they don’t embody your “vision” of a close friend or best friend. Maybe they’re quiet, so you assume that they’re boring. Maybe they’re in a different stage of life or maybe there’s an age gap. (I’m talking about two adults, not a child/adolescent befriending an adult, need to clarify!) Or maybe they’re not popular or well-liked, and this bothers you more than you’re willing to admit.
Take some time over the next few weeks to identify those folks who might be hidden in plain sight. If they are easy to be around, inviting, and if your daily schedules/routines align (coworker, neighbor, shared hobby/recreational activity), there’s potential!
This doesn’t mean you have to drop all of your current friends and start from scratch. I’m inviting you to notice what’s already there and see if you can build on that. Also, it’s easier to leave those unhealthy friendships when you know you’ve got other people in your corner.
Disclaimer: This is not intended to be an exhaustive list and does not take the place of working with a licensed professional.
