“On Wednesdays, We Wear Pink”
Even if you’ve never watched the movie, you’re probably somewhat familiar with the 2004 movie Mean Girls. It’s about a girl who tries to infiltrate the popular group for revenge but ultimately becomes just like the mean girls. I saw the original (and the 2024 remake) in theaters. At the time, I had no idea that Mean Girls would become such a cultural phenomenon. But it makes perfect sense that this movie resonated with so many people from different walks of life. This movie highlighted in a very entertaining way the powerful human need for belonging, connection, and worth. We understand what it’s like to want to be noticed and chosen by the “right” people. But what happens when we realize that the people we’re choosing aren’t choosing us?
Why do we feel bored by the reliable friend but jump through hoops when the flaky friend sends a last-minute text about a gathering? Why do we continue accepting invitations from people when we’re unsure whether or not they even like us? Why do we insist on labeling someone a “friend” when they make no effort to spend time together, don’t respond to calls/texts, or constantly have something negative/critical to say as a “joke”?
In cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), therapists work to help their clients identify core beliefs. A core belief is a fixed belief formed during childhood. Core beliefs can be positive, negative, and neutral. They are typically beliefs about the self, others, and the world. Some examples of core beliefs include:
I am lovable.
The world is generally safe.
People cannot be trusted.
I am unworthy.
Check out this info graph from Therapist Aid: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/core-beliefs-info-sheet
Many people who pursue unhealthy friendships have developed negative core beliefs about themselves and others that lead them to unintentional self-sabotage. Here’s how this plays out:
You believe that you are unworthy and/or must prove yourself to earn love. You seek situations where you are trying to convince an emotionally unavailable person that you are worth their time.
Childhood emotional neglect taught you that your needs don’t matter, so you minimize your adult wants and needs “for the sake of the friendship.”
Childhood trauma taught you that you are not worthy, so you mistake an emotionally aloof person as “hard to get” and treat their attention as a reward.
If you are experiencing this in your friendships regularly, it’s a good idea to consider your definition of friendship. If this feels hard to do, consider someone that you love and care for and pretend that you are explaining the concept of friendship to them. For example, you might say that a friendship includes mutual respect, common interests, and emotional vulnerability. Dr. Marisa G Franco (author, psychologist, and relationship expert), has A LOT to say about this subject. Check out her website for more information and resources: https://drmarisagfranco.com/
Some of you have been thinking about making a change for a while but need a gentle nudge of encouragement. So here you go:
1. Remember that an invitation is just an invitation. People have to demonstrate through actions and words that they want to have a friendship with you.
2. After you make your definition of friendship, create categories. Use real life experiences to justify who goes where. Look at how they are showing up, not how you want them to show up. Accept reality.
3. Healthy friendship is mutual. Consider the people who consistently show up for you that you might be overlooking. If you’d like to maintain those connections, make time to reach out to them and give support.
This blog post does not take the place of working with a licensed professional- please seek professional help as needed.
Are You Mad At Me?
Imagine the following scenarios:
One of your friends within the group chat wasn’t able to make the last few group outings that you planned. She says she’s really busy, but you notice that she made time for dinner with 1 or 2 of the friends.
You come home and your partner barely says a word to you. When you ask if everything is ok, you get a shrug or a mumble that everything is fine.
Your supervisor still hasn’t responded to your email. Usually, you don’t have to wait for a reply- it’s been a whole week.
You see a casual acquaintance while you’re out running errands. Instead of hiding, you approach them with a smile and wave. They don’t seem to recognize you and things get awkward.
Anxiety creates a narrative even if you don’t have all of the information. In fact, anxiety is happy to fill in the gaps.
Instead of reaching out to your friend directly to say that you miss them, anxiety suggests that you’re not as important as the other group members.
Instead of giving your partner space, learning to tolerate distance from time to time, anxiety determines that your relationship is in danger.
Instead of drafting a follow up email or stopping by your supervisor’s desk, anxiety prompts you to replay all of your perceived mistakes you’ve made at work.
Instead of moving on to the rest of your day, anxiety berates you for being awkward with the casual acquaintance.
One of my coworkers used to say, “Not everybody likes pineapples.” It’s possible that people are mad at you, rejecting you, or avoiding you. It’s possible that they don’t want to have a relationship with you. But it’s also possible that your interpretation is skewed by anxiety. Let’s extend one of the following scenarios, imagining what could happen when you seek more information:
Imagine that you reach out to your friend directly and tell her that you’d love to spend more time together. This conversation might lead to scheduling one-on-one quality bonding time. You might even share with her that you felt brief moments of insecurity because she wasn’t available for the past few group outings. And maybe she could give you more insight on why she was unavailable for the group yet available for the smaller activities (childcare, finances, timing, etc.). Or, the friend could reject your invitation for one-on-one quality bonding time. While upsetting, this experience might allow you to reset your expectations for how that friend shows up in your life. She might be a superficial connection rather than a close confidant. You will have to decide how to accept and tolerate this information while remaining in the friend group.
We naturally want simplistic answers for why a person did or didn’t do something. However, some interactions will have to remain ambiguous; you won’t “get a read” on a person or seek clarity every time you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes you will have to settle for never knowing why a person did or didn’t do something. These ambiguous interpersonal experiences give us a chance to practice tolerating uncertainty.
Here are some questions to consider next time you assume that someone is mad at you or rejecting you:
Did they say they’re mad/upset?
Is it possible that I don’t have all of the information?
How have they communicated their emotional needs and/or boundaries in the past?
How would I like to reconnect with this person?
Is there an aspect of our relationship that feels insecure to me? And what am I willing to do about this?
This blog post does not take the place of working with a licensed professional- please seek professional help as needed.
Why Your Anxiety Won’t Go Away
It all begins with an idea.
When I was a kid, I loved collecting water expanding toys, aka “capsule critters.” They’re not as popular now but were a BIG deal in the 80s, you just have to trust me. There’s an entire reddit thread about these!
For those that don’t know, they came in small, colorful capsules. When you submerged them in water, they would “grow” into a random assortment of items like dinosaurs, animals, shapes, you get the idea.
I have fond memories of putting coins into the prize machines at the skating rink, anticipating which shapes would emerge after dunking them in the sink. I was always so fascinated that something so small could grow into something larger, taking on a completely different shape.
These toys provide a visual representation of what happens when we never learn how to confront and cope with our anxiety triggers.
The anxiety starts small.
The anxiety is contained within one area of our lives.
Overtime, the anxiety grows and takes on unpredictable shapes.
Disclaimer: There are some dangers that require complete avoidance. Our anxiety is justified in telling us to get away ASAP! I will never advocate for putting yourself in a dangerous situation to treat your anxiety.
However, if there is no threat to your safety, and your primary coping skill is avoidance, your anxiety will not go away. It’s called the Cycle of Avoidance and it works like this:
Something happens.
You feel anxious.
You avoid or move away from the trigger.
You immediately feel less anxious.
Something similar happens.
Your anxiety is even worse before.
You avoid or move away from the trigger.
You immediately feel less anxious.
You determine that avoiding the trigger works.
The long-term anxiety is maintained.
Breaking the cycle looks like this:
Something happens.
You feel anxious.
You confront the trigger and the anxiety grows.
Over time the anxiety reduces.
You realize that confrontation is uncomfortable yet possible.
Something similar happens.
You feel less anxious than before because you’ve dealt with this before.
Lingering anxiety reduces.
You realize that you can cope with this.
The long-term anxiety is reduced.
If you’re wanting to see a reduction in your symptoms, consider whether or not your avoidance is undermining your goals.
This blog post does not take the place of working with a licensed professional- please seek professional help as needed.
It’s important to note that the treatment for OCD anxiety is different than treating generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). If you are working with a therapist to treat your OCD, it will not be enough to expose yourself to triggers. Exposure and Response Prevention, the gold standard of OCD treatment, is a type of CBT therapy that involves exposing the client to the triggers and preventing the compulsions that maintain the OCD. For more information about this, please see link below:
Acceptance
It all begins with an idea.
I remember a time when virtual therapy seemed like a fringe specialization. I can’t recall who, but one of my professors in grad school briefly mentioned online therapy as alternative method to deliver therapeutic services. And honestly, we were judgmental.
The thought of taking a service largely based on establishing a therapeutic connection online seemed……strange! After all, how can you build a solid emotional connection when you’re not even in the same room as your client?!
And then something kind of big happened in the world. I got a slack message from my group practice supervisor at the time instructing us that we would be moving online. Effective immediately. For 2 weeks. Or, 18 months, maybe?
So, over the next couple of weeks, my closet became my office. The early days were quite interesting, trying to figure out where to look and how to screen share! But we all found our groove. (And now, over 5 years later, I can’t imagine therapy without the virtual option!)
Therapists got creative, y’all. We were popping up on TikTok, IG, Facebook, anywhere and everywhere! At some point, I received the message that if I wanted to remain relevant, I needed a social media presence.
Over time, I launched an IG page and Facebook business page. I created cutesy posts. And then I waited.
It turns out that I hated maintaining a social media presence. I wasn’t good at it, I didn’t enjoy it, and mostly, I didn’t see a benefit to my clients and/or the general public.
Don’t get me wrong- there’s nothing inherently wrong with using social media to establish a personal or professional presence! Some of my favorite follows are fellow therapists. I share and engage with their content on a daily basis! But I had to be honest with myself. This wasn’t going to work long term.
We all do things that we don’t enjoy. But we also have to acknowledge when we’re trying to force something that’s not meant to be. So, I abruptly deleted my IG page (sorry to my 30-ish followers, lol). And then I discerned what WOULD work for my solo private practice.
Acceptance allows us to:
Reclaim our valuable time
Stop forcing what’s not meant to be
Relax
Notice experiences that are more aligned to our true selves
Here are some things that I’ll invite you to consider accepting:
If I’m late, others may or may not form an opinion of me. That’s their choice.
If I decline the invitation, others might be upset or disappointment. That’s their right.
If I’m honest, others might become angry or upset. That’s up to them.
If I put myself out there, others might reject me. That’s their decision.
Control shouts for us to make it happen by any means necessary.
Acceptance is an inside voice, an invitation to consider what’s already happening and how you’d like to respond.
This blog post does not take the place of working with a licensed professional- please seek professional help as needed.