Am I the problem?
We all want healthy relationships but sometimes we get stuck in toxic cycles.
We can’t stop thinking about the person who’s already in a relationship.
We don’t have “chemistry” with the emotionally available partner.
We complain about not having a friend group but feel bored with the reliable person.
Sometimes it’s just a phase and we mature out of these behaviors. But sometimes it’s not about age, maturity, or life experiences. There’s some deeper work we need to do.
Attachment is our style of forming and maintaining a bond in a relationship. The attachment experts say that our attachment styles are formed based on early childhood bonds with caregivers (usually parents). Attachment styles are set by the age of 6 but can be modified in adulthood.
The attachment styles were created after child development experts studied the ways children separated and reunited with their caregivers. The experts then created what we know as “attachment styles.” The four attachment styles are: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized
For more information about attachment styles, please see links below:
Platonic by Dr. Marisa G Franco
Attached by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Hellar
If you are most often described as “clingy”, emotional, or “too much” because you have a low tolerance for conflict, you might have an anxious attachment style. Folks with anxious attachment have a deep fear of being abandoned and rejected. You might cope by becoming the “fixer” or self-sacrificial partner who gives without receiving. You might even believe that you must prove your worth to your partner, friends, or family because you have a deep-seated belief that you are unworthy.
If you are most often described as aloof, commitment-phobic, and cold, you might have an avoidant attachment style. Folks with avoidant attachment have the same fear of being abandoned and rejected, but they cope by pushing others away before risking rejection. You might believe that it’s too dangerous to depend on a loved one because, in your experience, vulnerability inevitably leads to pain. We all desire securely attached relationships where we are celebrated, supported, and safe to be ourselves. We want to cultivate relationships where it is also okay to disagree.
Therapy gives you the space to explore how your attachment style is helping or hindering your important relationships. You can also explore fear of abandonment and rejection that are hindering your ability to show up fully in your relationships. Sometimes this will include taking more risks with the relationships you are already in. And sometimes you will decide that certain relationships have run their course. Either way, your therapist can help you navigate the waters of uncertainty so that you can build healthier, securely attached connections.
Disclaimer: This is not intended to be an exhaustive list and does not take the place of working with a licensed professional.
