“On Wednesdays, We Wear Pink”
Even if you’ve never watched the movie, you’re probably somewhat familiar with the 2004 movie Mean Girls. It’s about a girl who tries to infiltrate the popular group for revenge but ultimately becomes just like the mean girls. I saw the original (and the 2024 remake) in theaters. At the time, I had no idea that Mean Girls would become such a cultural phenomenon. But it makes perfect sense that this movie resonated with so many people from different walks of life. This movie highlighted in a very entertaining way the powerful human need for belonging, connection, and worth. We understand what it’s like to want to be noticed and chosen by the “right” people. But what happens when we realize that the people we’re choosing aren’t choosing us?
Why do we feel bored by the reliable friend but jump through hoops when the flaky friend sends a last-minute text about a gathering? Why do we continue accepting invitations from people when we’re unsure whether or not they even like us? Why do we insist on labeling someone a “friend” when they make no effort to spend time together, don’t respond to calls/texts, or constantly have something negative/critical to say as a “joke”?
In cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), therapists work to help their clients identify core beliefs. A core belief is a fixed belief formed during childhood. Core beliefs can be positive, negative, and neutral. They are typically beliefs about the self, others, and the world. Some examples of core beliefs include:
I am lovable.
The world is generally safe.
People cannot be trusted.
I am unworthy.
Check out this info graph from Therapist Aid: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/core-beliefs-info-sheet
Many people who pursue unhealthy friendships have developed negative core beliefs about themselves and others that lead them to unintentional self-sabotage. Here’s how this plays out:
You believe that you are unworthy and/or must prove yourself to earn love. You seek situations where you are trying to convince an emotionally unavailable person that you are worth their time.
Childhood emotional neglect taught you that your needs don’t matter, so you minimize your adult wants and needs “for the sake of the friendship.”
Childhood trauma taught you that you are not worthy, so you mistake an emotionally aloof person as “hard to get” and treat their attention as a reward.
If you are experiencing this in your friendships regularly, it’s a good idea to consider your definition of friendship. If this feels hard to do, consider someone that you love and care for and pretend that you are explaining the concept of friendship to them. For example, you might say that a friendship includes mutual respect, common interests, and emotional vulnerability. Dr. Marisa G Franco (author, psychologist, and relationship expert), has A LOT to say about this subject. Check out her website for more information and resources: https://drmarisagfranco.com/
Some of you have been thinking about making a change for a while but need a gentle nudge of encouragement. So here you go:
1. Remember that an invitation is just an invitation. People have to demonstrate through actions and words that they want to have a friendship with you.
2. After you make your definition of friendship, create categories. Use real life experiences to justify who goes where. Look at how they are showing up, not how you want them to show up. Accept reality.
3. Healthy friendship is mutual. Consider the people who consistently show up for you that you might be overlooking. If you’d like to maintain those connections, make time to reach out to them and give support.
This blog post does not take the place of working with a licensed professional- please seek professional help as needed.
