I Want You To Want Me
We all remember our first crush. The excitement, the tension, the drama, the feeling that anything was possible! The lucky ones had crushes that liked them back. But a lot of us were pining for someone who couldn’t care less. When I was in 6th grade, one of my friends would call her crushes and beg them to be her boyfriend. If they didn’t answer, she would leave a message on their answering machine. If it was embarrassing to her, we had no idea. She was bold! As an adult, it might seem difficult to relate to the 6th grade girl begging for a boyfriend. But this isn’t too different from pursuing emotionally unavailable partners in adulthood.
Dr. Helen Fisher and colleagues found that that those unrequited crushes can stimulate parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward, addiction, and cravings. It feels addictive to pine for this person who’s just out of reach! Dr. Berit Brogaard argued that the rejection mirrors the feeling of emotional parental neglect. The child who doesn’t receive emotional attunement may grow up and pursue an emotionally unavailable romantic partner because it’s familiar. Dr. Brogaard adds that in an effort to heal old trauma wounds, we sometimes recreate old scenarios with new players to find a new ending. This is the person waiting for their partner to change despite having zero evidence that partner is willing or able to change.
How do you get yourself out of this cycle?
First, acknowledge that the relationship you’re pursuing is one-sided. Stop making excuses for the other person’s behavior. Accept that you are doing the majority of the work in the relationship and the other person is not matching your effort.
Second, identify how you are benefiting from this one-sided dynamic. Is this pseudo relationship protecting you from the risk of being know and/or rejected by an emotionally available partner? Is this distracting you from something you are trying to avoid outside of the relationship? Take some time to consider all possibilities.
Third, consider your relationship goals. Are you seeking a committed romantic partnership? Or would you prefer to keep things light and casual? If your behaviors are not aligned with your goals, do a little detective self-work. Perhaps you’ll discover that you don’t want a committed relationship yet feel pressured by others due to societal expectations. Or maybe you struggle with feeling worthy of love and you are engaging in unintentional self-sabotage.
Fourth, find a way to confront old trauma. Journal, emote, express, confide, seek therapy. This will keep coming up for you if you don’t heal and grow.
For more information about those addictive unrequited crushes, see link below:
Disclaimer: This is not intended to be an exhaustive list and does not take the place of working with a licensed professional- please seek professional help as needed.
