Are You Mad At Me?

Imagine the following scenarios:

One of your friends within the group chat wasn’t able to make the last few group outings that you planned. She says she’s really busy, but you notice that she made time for dinner with 1 or 2 of the friends.

You come home and your partner barely says a word to you. When you ask if everything is ok, you get a shrug or a mumble that everything is fine.

Your supervisor still hasn’t responded to your email. Usually, you don’t have to wait for a reply- it’s been a whole week.

You see a casual acquaintance while you’re out running errands. Instead of hiding, you approach them with a smile and wave. They don’t seem to recognize you and things get awkward.

Anxiety creates a narrative even if you don’t have all of the information. In fact, anxiety is happy to fill in the gaps.

Instead of reaching out to your friend directly to say that you miss them, anxiety suggests that you’re not as important as the other group members.

Instead of giving your partner space, learning to tolerate distance from time to time, anxiety determines that your relationship is in danger.

Instead of drafting a follow up email or stopping by your supervisor’s desk, anxiety prompts you to replay all of your perceived mistakes you’ve made at work.

Instead of moving on to the rest of your day, anxiety berates you for being awkward with the casual acquaintance.

One of my coworkers used to say, “Not everybody likes pineapples.” It’s possible that people are mad at you, rejecting you, or avoiding you. It’s possible that they don’t want to have a relationship with you. But it’s also possible that your interpretation is skewed by anxiety. Let’s extend one of the following scenarios, imagining what could happen when you seek more information:

Imagine that you reach out to your friend directly and tell her that you’d love to spend more time together. This conversation might lead to scheduling one-on-one quality bonding time. You might even share with her that you felt brief moments of insecurity because she wasn’t available for the past few group outings. And maybe she could give you more insight on why she was unavailable for the group yet available for the smaller activities (childcare, finances, timing, etc.). Or, the friend could reject your invitation for one-on-one quality bonding time. While upsetting, this experience might allow you to reset your expectations for how that friend shows up in your life. She might be a superficial connection rather than a close confidant. You will have to decide how to accept and tolerate this information while remaining in the friend group.

We naturally want simplistic answers for why a person did or didn’t do something. However, some interactions will have to remain ambiguous; you won’t “get a read” on a person or seek clarity every time you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes you will have to settle for never knowing why a person did or didn’t do something. These ambiguous interpersonal experiences give us a chance to practice tolerating uncertainty.

Here are some questions to consider next time you assume that someone is mad at you or rejecting you:

Did they say they’re mad/upset?

Is it possible that I don’t have all of the information?

How have they communicated their emotional needs and/or boundaries in the past?

How would I like to reconnect with this person?

Is there an aspect of our relationship that feels insecure to me? And what am I willing to do about this?

This blog post does not take the place of working with a licensed professional- please seek professional help as needed.