Recently, I was searching google for the most recent stats on how long it takes couples to start therapy. My AI Overview brought the 7-7-7 rule for couples to my attention:
“To prioritize intimacy and connection, couples should go on a date night every 7 days, have a getaway every 7 weeks, and take a vacation every 7 months”
You know the GIF where Annalise Keating from How To Get Away With Murder gives a smirk, picks up her purse, and abruptly leaves without looking back? Google it if you haven’t seen it because I want you to visualize how I really feel about this rule.
Most couples do not have the time and/or financial resources for weekly date nights, bimonthly staycations, and vacations almost twice a year. The 7-7-7 rule is simply NOT realistic! Couples have to find a way to prioritize their connection and intimacy in the midst of an expensive, noisy, chaotic world. And when you add children or adult dependents into the mix, it’s more challenging to come up for air or even notice that the romantic relationship needs tending.
How do you balance the demands of life while remaining connected to your partner?
I believe in setting realistic goals that fit within a couple’s system. In other words, if you try to add more things in an already jam-packed schedule, you will not be able to sustain those changes. Look at what’s already happening and see how you can create regular rituals of connection. Let me give some examples:
Pick a show and watch it together weekly. Put phones down, be in the moment together, and talk about your favorite parts afterward.
Text/voice note each other once or twice during the day. Keep it light and fun.
Establish leave and return rituals. For example, decide how you want to part ways (kiss, hug, etc.) and how you want to come back together (5-minute check in about the day, share a snack, etc.).
If weekly date nights aren’t realistic, set a goal for monthly date nights. Every other month or regular date nights at home is better than nothing.
Identify no phone/no screen zones. These can be physical locations like the dinner table or certain times of the day.
Read a book together.
If it’s hard to get alone time due to children, take a family walk together. It’s not the same as a date night outside of the home but you can have a semi-interrupted chat with your partner while the kids burn off steam.
Make a plan to try each other’s hobby together.
Pick the same 3-5 questions to ask each other once or twice a month over a meal or during a quiet part of your evening. Examples: What’s something new you’d like to share? What’s something you’re grateful for? What’s something that you hope will happen? What’s something that feels confusing? What’s something that feels frustrating?
Keep in mind that these suggestions won’t help couples who are in dire need of repair. Have fun, be gracious with each other if it takes awhile to build new routines, and keep trying. Small, consistent changes often lead to big results.
Disclaimer: Although I am a licensed professional counselor in the state of Texas, this blog post does not does not take the place of therapy. Reach out to set up your free therapy consultation.
